When I decided to resume my collegiate studies, a tremendous air of excitement surrounded me and I ravenously looked forward to a few years of good old-fashioned learning. “Yes siree,” I thought, “this is going to be great! I can’t wait to experience the wonders of Psychology, Speech, English, and a host of other enticing academic offerings.” I also knew that I’d have to take a Mathematics course at some point, but surely I could put if off for a long time. Sadly, the long time is about to expire.

The date of my collegiate doom will arrive on June 12 of this year. On that day, I will crawl (while crying like a baby) into a classroom and face the executioner of my pride and dignity. This person will be instantly recognized as a math teacher (she or he will look, to me, like a dentist complete with a terrifying set of pain-inducing tools such as: a syllabus, textbook, and other items of intimidation and devilry).

Of course, a bevy of students will also be in attendance. I am certain that most will be math wizards bent on proving their level of genius to the aforementioned Satan…um…er…teacher. I’m equally certain that they will snicker at me and think, “Ho, ho, ho. Just wait until this old, old, old person is confronted with the very first question. That’ll be a scream!”

I fervently believe that traditional students are fully aware that ancient organisms (translation: non-traditional students) haven’t got a clue how to tackle math (I’m certain that their parents have proven this truth to them on a daily basis). In my case, they will be quite correct.

Now, you might be saying to yourself, “Oh, come on! It won’t be that bad. Surely you’re exaggerating.” My reply is an unequivocal “Yes it will”. In fact, I’ve even had a dream that foreshadowed how my first class will go. The following is a recreation of that very dream:

Teacher: Well, Gary, what do you remember about math?

Me: Um, I know how to spell the word!

Teacher: What is the square root of 100?

Me: Look, I’ve got to be honest here. The only roots I’ve dealt with over the past 28 years have been ones belonging to trees.

Teacher: What is 2X + 3Y equal to?

Me: 5 chromosomes.

Teacher: What does the term integral exponents mean?

Me: Oh, I know that one. They are the most important members of Montreal’s baseball team.

Teacher: Define what a product is?

Me: Two beef patties, various limp vegetables, a secret sauce and other stuff on a sesame seed bun.

Teacher: What is a logarithm?

Me: I think it has something to do with trees.

Teacher: What is factoring?

Me: Ah…ah…the type of work that many people do.

Teacher: Define “Division of powers?”

Me: The United States is extremely strong, while most of the other countries are not.

Teacher: What is a complex fraction?

Me: A very disturbed number.

Teacher: Is there such a thing as a complex fractional exponent?

Me: Oh great! Another sports question! Okay, this would be a very disturbed member of Montreal’s baseball team.

Teacher: What is a polynominal?

Me: A rather odd name for a bird.

Teacher: What is a quadratic formula?

Me: Um…um…a type of race car?

Teacher: What is a rectangular or cartesian coordinate system of graphing?

Me: Damned if I know.

“Mr. Dobson, it is important that you understand and study math. Don’t you realize that you might use it one day?”

“Teacher, I’m 45 years old. I haven’t used math in the past 28 years and don’t believe that I’ll have to use it in the next 28 years. Look, I’ve never gone into a grocery store and said to a salesperson, ‘I’d like to have 5 of X product’. It just doesn’t happen, Ma’am (or as the case may be, ‘Sir’). I’m never going to learn this stuff and that is that. Please, just stab me with that compass point and put me out of my misery.”

That is precisely how my dream played out. In the end, I didn’t have to study math. The teacher simply did me in by using a well-recognized tool of the trade. Now, I can’t imagine that this part of the dream will come true, but am dead certain that the bulk of the story will morph into reality.

On second thought, perhaps I will do well in my upcoming math class. (Yeh, right. I’ll also probably go on to win The Nobel Prize for achievements in Mathematics.) Time will undoubtedly tell. If you wish, I’ll keep each of you updated as to how my summer from hell turns out.

“Now, let me see, where did I leave my math study book? Oh, I know! I left it at my dentist’s office!”

I would love to hear from you. My readers are very important to me and I answer each and every email. My contact is Gary.

You can find more articles in the archive under Reflections on a Dream