From Over the Pond by Frank Hatton October 1998

by
Frank Hatton

I know I have said this before, but, we in the UK are just not geared to extremes of climatic change. After having had a really miserable month of July, which could easily have been mistaken for February or March, we then drift into August and are now confronted with temperatures of the mid eighties and upwards. Y'know, when you think about it, the colder periods are much better to deal with aren't they? When you get cold, all you have to do is put on more clothing until you balance out the comfort level. What do you do though when you are sweltering hot? Sure, you can strip down to the bare essentials, but other than finding a cold pool to jump into, where do you go from there? Even if the law allowed you to amble down the High Street completely naked, it would still not compensate for the feeling of being slowly roasted alive. Like most homes in this country, our house is not air conditioned, so, as the afternoon got hotter and hotter, my wife and I decided to go for a drive, with the idea in mind that at least we could have the car windows and roof open, and given the opportunity to drive at a reasonable speed, we could generate a suitable and cooling draught. It also seemed sensible to drive to the coast, and as we live only some four miles from Bournemouth, one of our major seaside resorts, we headed in that direction......... It is on occasions such as these that I start to appreciate that old Rabbie Burns knew what he was talking about, when he philosophised on the 'Best laid plans of mice and men, etc.' Firstly, we found ourselves caught up in a crawling line of traffic on the road towards the coast, and then when we finally reached the resort itself, we found what looked to be half the population of the UK were already there. The next problem came when we tried to find a place to park the car,.... it was just impossible. Every available space was taken, and there were queues of vehicles at every car park, waiting for someone to move out. Now we had only driven some four miles, but, my sympathies were with those folk, many with children, who had driven down from London and other places more distant, ,... tempers fraying, ....children crying,..... Mum wanting to use the lavatory, ......Dad at his wits end on what to do !!!! The police were doing their best, but, it was a completely hopeless situation. Oh, the joys of the British summer.

Often has it been said that it is a crazy old world we live in, and every now and then, some folk do their utmost to prove this fact. As an example,---- in July 1996, a paranoid schizophrenic went into a nursery school, and attacked a class of youngsters and their teacher with a machete. The young lady teacher, who very bravely did her best to defend the children, was severely injured, and was awarded an interim sum of Ł6,000, (just under $10,000) which will be reviewed when her arm has had further treatment. A six year old girl, whose injuries included a 6" long slash to her cheek, a smashed jawbone, and damaged earlobe, has been awarded a total sum of Ł7,950, ($13,038) albeit that the poor little soul is scarred for life. Now, over the last few years, I have been constantly astonished at the awards made to folk for having been 'victimised' at their place of work. Others have suffered 'racist remarks'. Still others have been subjected to some form of libel and/or slander. These awards have run into hundreds of thousands of pounds, and in some instances, they run into the millions. Just one example is a recent case where a transsexual was awarded Ł77,000 for loss of earnings in being unable to get a job, --- this primarily because the criminal injury compensation is rigidly fixed to a tariff, while industrial tribunals are free to make whatever levels they like. Goodness knows what sort of yardstick the law uses to calculate the amount of money each case is entitled to, but, to my simple mind, I suspect the yardstick is made from some form of elasticised material.

In the UK, we call it 'Directory Enquiries', but it's probably called by different names in other countries. It's the telephone service whereby you can call the operator to find a number for you, when you can give the name and address of the person you want to contact. The service is usually pretty good, and they can come up with the number you want in seconds, that is provided that they get the right information. However, just recently, some examples were given of the more bizarre calls they have to deal with. One caller asked for the number of the 'Argoed fish bar' in Cardiff.
OPERATOR; "I'm sorry, but there's no listing, is the spelling correct?"
CALLER; "Well, it used to be called the 'Bargoed fish bar', but the 'B' fell off. Then there was the person who wanted the number of a knitwear company in Woven.
OPERATOR; "Woven? Are you sure?"
CALLER; "Yes, that's what it says on the label, 'Woven in Scotland'. Yet another dear soul called up to ask for the number of a vegetarian surgeon for his sick dog. When it was established that he needed the telephone number of a veterinary surgeon he had recently visited, the conversation went as follows.
OPERATOR; "Can you give me the address please?"
CALLER; "I don't know, it was dark when I went."
OPERATOR; "Where are you calling from?" CALLER: "The living room."
One other,.... where the operator heard the sound of heavy breathing, and when she enquired if the caller was OK, she was told that he didn't have a pen, and he was steaming up the window to write down the number he was given. Please believe, these were all genuine examples given in interviews with the operators for a BBC television programme about the service. There were quite a few more, but, the point I was aiming to get over, was the difficulties in communication, when Joe Public is at his most awkward.

Whilst on the subject of hard to believe stories,---- here's one from my daily newspaper. An 83 year old motorist has been driving for 58 accident free years, and had never even been stopped for speeding. Now, twice in five days he has been stopped by the police for driving too slowly, and on each occasion he has failed an eyesight test. After being banned for a year by Barnsley magistrates, and ordered to retake a driving test, he insisted, "I only drive slowly because today's drivers go too fast." He was actually stopped for driving his 13 year old Ford Transit van at one mile per hour on one of our major roads, I tell you, my mind boggles, I would have bet that it was impossible to drive at only one mile an hour. Five days later he was seen driving at 20 mph before stopping in the middle of the road to fasten his seat belt. He vowed he would be back behind the wheel when his ban ends. It is at times such as these that I begin to suspect the fortitude and determination of the British is a little overdone.

Here's a little bit of lighter material to assist with your digestion of this month's article. I forget where I copied it from, but, the generalisation on genders is amusing.
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him
a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to
understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a
lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes, ---there's no use in
two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument.
10. There are two occasions when a man doesn't understand a woman:
before marriage & after.
Perhaps I can now beg the tolerance of our lady readers, and trust that they will accept the humour in the spirit in which it is offered.

As you probably know, at one time, you lot on the other side of the Atlantic were, 'Just another British colony'.---- I now read in my newspaper, that President Omar el- Bashir of Sudan has launched a bitter attack on Britain in a protest on our support for the U.S. attack on the alleged chemical weapons factory. He has withdrawn his ambassador to London, and said that we are, "Just another American state."
Oh, how are the mighty fallen?

Just before we close, can I again thank those of you who take the time and trouble to write to me,--- it is very much appreciated, and please keep 'em coming, critical or approbation,------ it makes me feel less lonely.

'Til next time,

Frank Hatton

I would love to hear from you so email me.

You can find more articles in the archive under From Over the Pond

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