by
Frank Hatton

Having just completed a rather painful week, I am in the mood for a little cheer. My pain???? I trapped my sciatic nerve, and it has taken this last week to raise a slight twitch at the corners of my mouth, which on a dark night, could just possibly be interpreted as a smile. My doctor did not help much with his prognosis for the future......He said, "No more wine and women,.. but, sing all the songs you want too." Hence we will now get on with the business of the infusion of happiness. So, I have just had a scan through my daily newspaper for some item of gaiety. Obviously, it was pointless to look at the headlines, I could get more solace from reading a telephone directory in the local cemetery. Hence, I had to pursue my researches through to page nine before I struck gold....... It concerns a gentleman by the name of Edd China (true, I swear), who lives in Farnborough in Hampshire. He has just invented a Sofamobile. Now this machine is, as the name suggests, a Sofa which has the following comforts. A 60 watt standard lamp at the rear, a coffee table at the front, a television set on the coffee table, and a padded footrest. It also has the subframe of a Mini motor car underneath, and a 1000cc engine mounted on same, through which the three wheels are driven. The speedometer is housed in a rather ornate clock on the coffee table, and he has achieved a speed of some 40 mph. The steering is by way of a pan from Pizza Hut complete with pizza, and the brakes are operated via a can of Virgin Cola. Mr China feels that he could reach even higher speeds by removing some of the attachments, such as the standard lamp and maybe the television set. However, he is at the moment at an impasse with our motoring authorities, who will not grant a road license, or a valid test certificate. However, he looks remarkably happy in a photograph of him driving his machine. He sits comfortably on the sofa, with his head covered in what looks like a flying helmet and goggles of WW2 vintage, and no doubt has a sublime faith that he will overcome the trials and tribulations of the British bureaucracy. I feel quite sure that in the advanced technology of many other countries, he would not have these unfair restrictions placed upon his enterprise. Please believe, I am not making this up,... it is a genuine reportage from my daily newspaper..... Peculiar folk us British.

Whilst on the subject of inventions,.... you may have read of the British guy who invented a clockwork radio for use in the third world countries where batteries are both scarce, and very expensive. I saw in the paper recently, that somebody else has now invented a clockwork flashlight, and this thing operates for around four minutes on one twenty second winding. I now look forward to the day when someone invents a clockwork wallet, which will refill itself with money when you wind it up.

Quite often nowadays, I read in the papers that the weather pattern is changing world-wide, and while one nods sagely, and makes the appropriate hmms, and ha's, about the rainforests, and the global warming, it did not really register with me until this weekend. Now, just before we get further into this bit, you should be made aware that these articles are written a month or so, before you get to see them, so, I can now tell you that 'this weekend' is Sunday 22nd February, and the reason that I notice the weather pattern changes, is because I had to get out the lawnmower this morning...... this is unheard of in our fair country!!! Normally, one would expect to do the first cut of the season around early April, or in exceptional weather, maybe the back end of March, but, February???? At this time of year, I would normally expect to be looking at the last of the snowfalls, or at least be cursing the raw winds that are blowing through my thickest clothing. Now, ....we have the daffodils in full bloom, and the grass has been screaming to be cut for the last two or three weeks. I did fight a very valiant delaying battle though,... I told my wife that I was waiting for the grass to choke the weeds,.... then, I fell back on the fact that there was so much junk in the garden shed, I had trouble finding the mower,..... but, it was when I said that I was hoping to rent the garden out to a film company for a jungle film, that she finally insisted that I get cutting. I suppose tho' it is better to have the change this way round, than be some poor soul who is used to a warm climate at this time of year, and now find themselves having to get out the snowshoes, and shovel a clear pathway to the front door. Like some wise man said, "Life's never perfect".

Just a few weeks back I came across this very interesting article in a magazine. It was on the subject of people who are boring. The fascinating thing about the true bore, is that they never realise the fact that they are bores, and they will waffle on, and on, and on, completely ignoring the drooping of your eyelids, and the stifled yawns, and your eager attempts to introduce them to somebody else. The interesting factor in the article, was the helpful signs that will indicate that one is a bore. For instance, at a party, one of the best places to be is in the kitchen. It is away from the loud music, and the type of person you normally meet in the kitchen is a wealth of knowledge, has scintillating conversation, and knows all of the best jokes....... Soooo, if you go into the kitchen, and find after a short space of time the room empties!!!!! One other useful tip given was, .....when the Jehovah's witnesses call at your door, and you find that in spite of your giving what you consider to be an intelligent appraisal of religion in general, they make their excuses and leave!!!!! It was suggested that the most convincing factor of all,.... was when Ansaphones hang up on you.

OK, now, a complete change of tack. In this country, we have what are known as 'Grace and Favour' homes. These are usually quite large houses or apartments, and they are funded by the tax payer, and allocated by either the government or the Royal Family to the periphery members of the Queen's relatives, or the higher members of the government and Judiciary. Now, our Duchess of York, who you probably have heard of, is the ex wife of Prince Andrew, one of the Queen's sons, and has in the past had this rather unfortunate habit of spending money which she hadn't got, at quite an alarming rate of knots. So much so, that she accrued debts of several million pounds. Give the lady her due, she has knuckled down and earned large amounts of cash from various sections of the media by using her title and position, and reduced the debts by a considerable amount. However, she has not yet conquered all of her problems, and has been living as a guest, for the last year or so, in part of Prince Andrew's house. It would seem that she has now applied for a 'Grace and Favour' home, but, the application has been rejected by the powers that be. Prince Phillip, the husband of the Queen, who is well known to have a dislike of 'Fergie', (the Duchess of York), has publicly, out of exasperation, offered her an ex gamekeepers cottage, which has just two bedrooms, and an outside lavatory. The Duchess, it is said, has turned down the offer, without even going to look at it. My, oh my, what a hard life some folk have.

'Til the next one.

Frank Hatton

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You can find more articles in the archive under From Over the Pond